놀랄 만큼 날씬해진 디자인에 디스플레이는 더 커지고 칩은 더 빨라졌습니다.
The structure of the three phrases in the sentence are not consistent so the sentence reads awkward flow. The first one reads modifier+subject, the second subject+verb, the third subject+verb. As well, the shortened subjects in the second and third can be elaborated to improve readability, 디스플레이 크기는 더 커지고 칩 속도는 더 빨라졌습니다 (the verbs don’t agree to the target subjects).
배터리 사용 시간이 줄어들지 않습니다.
The meaning of the sentence is exaggerated. It reads “The battery life never gets lower once charged.”
완전히 새로운 헤드폰이 놀라운 음질과 꼭 맞는 편안함을 안겨줍니다.
This is a typical awkward syntax in Korean translation since the inanimated subject is taken as subject. Inanimated subjects should always be rephrased with appropriate to follow the Korean grammar.
그래서 활용도가 높아져 더 많은 기능을 즐길 수 있습니다.
The sentence reads a run-on flow but the modifying adverb phrase at the beginning has nothing to do with the following phrase. The current translation reads “iphone will be used more frequently so the users can enjoy more functions of the phone.” The cause and effect structure doesn’t work in context.
The alien term 비즈니스인 really bothers me.
“share your knowledge and help your network”: Awkward passive verb form in target 특별 소개되세요 which literally means “be introduced specially.” The sentence 전문가가 되어… 되세요 is completely broken.
“your company” is translated into “우리 회사 (our company)” to deliver the direct tone to the site members, but the subject 우리 just doesn’t fit in context. 고객님/회원님(customer/member) would be sufficient. As an alternative, the subject can be omitted in context.
“create one now” sounds also literal due to the dictionary meaning of the verb “create.”
Another English structure in target: “you have 0 open questions.”
0개의 답변을 기다리고 있는 질문 is a broken structure since the number comes first in the sentence and modified “답변 (answers).” This is a typical awkward wording for inanimated subjects. The structure can always be rephrased to make translated structures flow.
Crema 크레마 iOS/Android app (ebook app)
때 (at the time of) doesn’t fit into the context since the time adverb is usually used in speech.
It should be replaced with 도서 다운로드 및 스크랩 리스트 동기화 시 요금이 과다 청구될 수 있습니다.
First off, the warning sentence is not appropriate in terms of meeting the basic requirement of the app. The coding error for “overcharge” must have been resolved before launching the app in the market. As far as the Korean grammar is concerned, the quotation marks won’t be necessary even if the term is noted a function in the app.
작성된 (written) should be replaced with 표시된 (marked) since the following functions, Bookmarks, Highlights, Memos, Last Read Pages, are noted for markers in the app. 볼 수 있도록하는 shows a space error and should read 볼 수 있는 to agree to the subject. “Cloud서비스” also shows a space error.
다음부터 보이지 않기 contains an awkward causative verb 보이지 않기, which is a common error in app menus. It should read 다음부터 표시하지 않기.