놀랄 만큼 날씬해진 디자인에 디스플레이는 더 커지고 칩은 더 빨라졌습니다.
The structure of the three phrases in the sentence are not consistent so the sentence reads awkward flow. The first one reads modifier+subject, the second subject+verb, the third subject+verb. As well, the shortened subjects in the second and third can be elaborated to improve readability, 디스플레이 크기는 더 커지고 칩 속도는 더 빨라졌습니다 (the verbs don’t agree to the target subjects).
배터리 사용 시간이 줄어들지 않습니다.
The meaning of the sentence is exaggerated. It reads “The battery life never gets lower once charged.”
완전히 새로운 헤드폰이 놀라운 음질과 꼭 맞는 편안함을 안겨줍니다.
This is a typical awkward syntax in Korean translation since the inanimated subject is taken as subject. Inanimated subjects should always be rephrased with appropriate to follow the Korean grammar.
그래서 활용도가 높아져 더 많은 기능을 즐길 수 있습니다.
The sentence reads a run-on flow but the modifying adverb phrase at the beginning has nothing to do with the following phrase. The current translation reads “iphone will be used more frequently so the users can enjoy more functions of the phone.” The cause and effect structure doesn’t work in context.